Do not Trust the Hairy Sailor!!!

Francois Rabelais was a Franciscan Monk born in c.1494. As well as being a doctor, Francois was a humanist who wrote comic novels, Gargantua and Pantagruel which are still regarded as literary classics. His last will and testament simply stated,

‘I have nothing, owe a great deal, and the rest I leave to the poor’.

His works were considered to be full of coarse humour, which were so frowned upon by the Catholic Church that they were banned and even placed on their forbidden books list. Out of spite and in keeping with his style he wrote this passage:

‘Yet the devilish heretics refuse to learn and know it. Burn ’em, tear ’em, nip ’em with hot pinchers, drown ’em, hang ’em, spit ’em at the bunghole, pelt ’em, paut ’em, bruise ’em , beat ’em, cripple ‘em, dismember ‘em, cut ‘em, gut ‘em, bowel ‘em, paunch ‘em, thrash ‘em, slash ‘em, gash ‘em chop ‘em, slice ‘em, slit ‘em, carve ‘em, saw ‘em, bethwack ‘em, pare ‘em, hack ‘em, hew ’em, mince ‘em, flay ‘em, boil ‘em, broil ‘em, roast ‘em, toast ‘em, bake ‘em, fry ‘em, crucify ‘em, crush ‘em, squeeze ‘em, grind ‘em, batter ‘em, burst ‘em, quarter ‘em, unlimb ‘em, behump ‘em, bethump ‘em, belam ‘em, belabour ‘em, pepper ‘em, spatchcock ‘em and carbonnade ‘em on gridirions, these wicked heretics! Decretalifuges, deretalicides, worse than homicides, worse than patricides, decretalictones of the devil of hell’.

Francois Rabelais was a man ahead of his time. A visionary. His legend lives and will always live on and this passage shows so powerfully his attitude towards someone trying to stop him doing what he loved, writing.

Captain Birdseye was a sailor with a white beard. He befriended kids with false beards and he fused celebrity with frozen foods to gain himself considerable wealth in life. However, he was a plagiarist, a thief, a hairy word burglar who could not think of his own jingles. He struggled with self confidence in later life as other captains brushed his ship aside to become bigger household names. How could he compete with Captain Planet and Captain Kirk? That is right, by stealing the aging but immortal works of Francois Rabelais. The proof is in the potato!!!

‘Birdseye potato waffles, they are Waffly Versatile, grill ‘em, bake, ‘em, fry ‘em, eat ‘em, Waffly Versatile’

He was not hitting out at the Catholic Church nor waging war on Potato treats, just simply nabbing real writers words to sell his product. Your number is up Captain Birdseye and although your morsels are delicious, your morals are vicious….